A Pinch Guide to Beer Troubleshooting

by Dave Avran


SYMPTOM : Feet cold and wet.
FAULT : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM : Feet warm and wet.
FAULT : Improper bladder control.
ACTION : Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM : Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT : Glass empty.
ACTION : Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM : Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT : You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION : Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM : Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT : You have fallen forwards.
ACTION : See above.

SYMPTOM : Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT : Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION : Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM : Floor blurred.
FAULT : You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION : Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM : Floor moving.
FAULT : You are being carried out.
ACTION : Insist on being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM : Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT : Bar has closed.
ACTION : Continue drinking

SYMPTOM : Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT : Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION : Immediately cover mouth.

SYMPTOM : Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT : You are dancing on the table.
ACTION : Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM : Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT : It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION : Punch him.

SYMPTOM : Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT : You have been in a fight.
ACTION : Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM : Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT : You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION : See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM : Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT : The beer is too weak.
ACTION : Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM : Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT : Beer is just right.
ACTION : Play air guitar.